When you first hear the word stoic, you might think of someone who’s emotionless, cold, apathetic, or up until now just weakness masquerading as strength. The latter is especially prevalent now with all the “broicism” that’s circulating the internet where grifters (mainly right wing ones at that) misinterpret the words of Aurelius, Seneca and Epictetus to trick naive and typically younger men into buying their “self help” courses.
But I’m here to tell you today, that none of the adjectives I just used are even remotely close to what true stoicism is. They’re bastardized misinterpretations of what this philosophy was trying to teach us.
So before we move forward, I want you to forget everything you have heard previously about Stoicism and come into this with an open mind.
Stoicism is not the philosophy of indifference. It receives this reputation because stoics do not dwell on the negative opinions of others or otherwise expected hurdles of day to day life. They are not emotionless, they simply know where to place their emotions appropriately. Where it matters. On your friends, your family, your community. On yourself.
What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished? If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his invective? — Epictetus. Discourses I, 25.28–29
This philosophy is built around 4 core virtues: Wisdom, Courage, Temperance, and Justice. I’ll define each one, and then talk more about how these have helped me (and hopefully you as well).
Justice: No, not your Batman style justice of punching bad guys and throwing them in jail. While that isn’t a terrible thing depending on the reasoning, that’s not what this actually means in this context. Justice, in Socratic terms, means to allow logic to dictate your decisions. When I was in undergrad, the best way this was explained was this:
You have 3 parts of the brain that contribute to your thought processes. Those parts are the logical, emotional, and instinctual.
Justice, is when the logical side of the brain, dictates what the other two do.
Have you ever been on a diet? You were so tempted by that pizza or cupcake but the better part of you won. You resisted the temptation and allowed your better judgment to win. That was your logical brain making that decision for you. That was (a very minor, but still true definition of) justice. Allowing that side of me to win more fundamentally changed my life.
Temperance: This is not a lack of emotion, but rather controlling your emotions. Stoics felt deeply. They enjoyed life. They enjoyed their families, and teaching others. They enjoyed being in their communities. They weren’t cold and heartless people at all.
But they knew how to control their emotions. They knew where to allocate their mental energy, and it wasn’t on petty drama or because it rained and their plans were ruined. They looked for the good through the thick of the bad.
Wisdom: When Epictetus speaks of this virtue, he’s largely referring to always being open to learning—to always be willing to grow and to never be complacent. But also to understand what is under your control, and what is not. Change what you can and have the ability to change, but allow the rest to pass over you like water over a rock.
Courage: What I would consider my trans friends to already have in abundance. To have the courage to face the hardships of life head on, regardless of how they come.
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Lucius Seneca. Letters from a Stoic
Transitioning in itself is a call to courage. To face bigotry, ignorant politicians, medical gatekeepers, and even family members who just won’t take the time to learn.
But despite the odds, here we stand.
Around a year ago now I picked up a copy of Ryan Holiday’s book The Daily Stoic alongside the companion journal he released with it, and since I have journaled twice a day, every day, like clockwork. I have fully incorporated it into my daily routine and I even travel with them now.
Learning more about stoicism beyond the surface level has profoundly reshaped my world view and how I view life.
You may have seen the terms Amor Fati or Memento Mori around. These are mantras that I reflect on regularly.
Amor Fati: Love your fate. Love what the universe has given to you and turn it into a positive. I used to view being trans as a burden. As something to be ashamed of.
No, I am precisely who I was born to be.
Memento Mori: Remember that you too shall die. Morbid? Maybe. But it’s a reminder of how fucking short life is. I thought about this often before I decided to transition.
Do I want to spend the finite amount of time I have on this planet living in secret, scared of what a few people might think of me? Or do I want to experience life the best way I can before my ticket is punched?
We are born trans. This can’t be taught into us from “woke teachers.” This can’t be “groomed” despite how much some politicians might try to claim it can be.
We are precisely who we are supposed to be.
I can’t control the thoughts of others. I can’t control their prejudices, but I can control how I feel about them. What I can control, are my own thoughts and actions.
I choose courage.
I choose happiness.
“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” – Marcus Aurelius. Meditations
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