I want to revisit a topic I’ve been mulling over since I first came out.
As unfortunate as it is, gender norms and societal expectations run hand in hand. Stereotypically, a man is viewed as strong, brave, a leader, the head of the household, the provider, the protector, the bread winner.
Why are all of these things attributed almost exclusively to men?
Is a single mother not strong as well as a provider herself? Is a female soldier not just as brave as her male counterpart? Is a female CEO that runs a fortune 500 company not any more of a leader and bread winner than her male counterparts? Is a mother protecting herself and her children not also considered a protector?
Conversely, women, by society’s standards, are supposed to have grace, be delicate, caring, compassionate, empathetic, submissive, emotional, beautiful to the male gaze.
Why?
These are not characteristics that anyone must live up to, but rather are imposed onto us.
These are attributes that don’t belong to a specific gender, but rather just..a person. These are characteristics that anyone can have, regardless of where they may fall on the gender spectrum.
And if you have the audacity to buck against what’s expected you’re ostracized, considered “weird” or “socially inept.”
Because we don’t fit into the fucking box you created?
I’d rather be called “weird” than live in a mental cage.
This was something that I felt like had haunted me since the beginning was reconciling with the expectations put onto me by society, and no longer being “a man."
The male role models I had in my life were plenty masculine, but largely the worst parts of it. Mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive, ruled the house through intimidation and insults, and always had to be the one with the last word. Domineering in conversation.
Things that people think make them a man.
Growing up I vowed to not be like them, to be better.
Ironically enough, this translated into me looking to fictional characters that exemplified virtue since the ones around me in person couldn’t.
What originally spurred these thoughts was from re-watching one of my favorite movies, The Fellowship of the Ring. There’s such a distinct divide between good and evil in those films and it comes with an appreciation and immediate attachment to the “good” characters.
There’s actually a great film study done that breaks down Aragorn's character in more detail, but when I was a kid, he was the one I looked up to as an example.
Might sound silly or childish at the surface level, I mean it’s fiction, right?
But if empathy, courage, selflessness, compassion, acts of heroism and real leadership are clearly being demonstrated, does it matter so much if it’s fiction or not?
I saw more character on display in fiction than I did in reality.
This is what I always felt, since I was a kid, that I should be. This is what I should be like. I also should be empathetic, courageous, selfless, compassionate, a leader, a hero.
But..if that’s who a man was, and I’m not a man, what does that make me?
Am I the opposite of these things?
Do I forgo some of these traits that I’ve assigned to masculinity?
The framework that I built for what it means to be a man, a real man, doesn’t apply to me now, right?
Wrong.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized how wrong this mentality was.
First of all, I was born trans. We all are. If I was modeling those characteristics after myself, then I was never attributing them to being a man.
I was attributing them to being a good person.
None of those traits, not a single one, is exclusive to how you were born.
I know many cowardly men that consider themselves masculine. I know many men that consider empathy a weakness.
They haven’t learned that caring about and working with the person next to you is precisely what builds civilizations.
No matter where you think you might land on the gender spectrum, understand that no single positive (or negative for that matter) trait is locked hand in hand with any specific gender.
Being a good person is simply being a good person.
Your heroes can still be your heroes no matter how you, or they, were born.
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